Buy-a-Russian-wife sites are saturating the Net! I can't even look up "Alger Hiss pumpkin patch" without running into pages and pages of hotties with really long hair looking to be purchased by some 60ish Western guy who owns a coloring-book factory, has had sex with two women only if you count his first cousin Mabel, and wants a wife because he's finally sick of Hungry Man frozen dinners (Woody Allen: "Who cooks them? I suck 'em frozen.")
I would never, and I mean NEVER, prostitute myself like these women even if I did live in a two-room apartment with my parents in Moscow, but I began wonder what my Russian bride description would look like:
Height: 5"4 1/2'
Weight: Um, I dunno, 160ish?
Religion: Now that's a tough question. I'm predominantly Christian, but I do live in sin (oops, was I supposed to put that on the application?) I also think most religions have some validity, especially Islam and Buddhism. I'm also studying Satanism.
Interests: Rodents, Russian literature, Gumby
Character: I'm warm and giving, mmmm lessee here....about 84% of the time. The rest of the time I can be bitchy, depressed, preoccupied, or a combination of the three. I'm the type of person who will wash and fold your underwear but not buy it nor pick it up for you when you toss it on the kitchen floor. I will need 6-7 empty bookcases at my disposal at all times.
Smoking: No way.
Drinking: Yeah, I'm drinking right now, actually.
I don't believe I have a career as a mail-order bride ahead of me. For one thing, Richard puts up with me quite well. Lucky for him he didn't have to shell out a single penny for me!
My friend Dana once had a neighbor who spent thousands of bucks aquiring a Russian bride. He was the kind of guy you'd imagine: Tubby, retired, bald, surly, cheap. The bride, of course, was about my age and totally gorgeous. Knowing how much he'd spent on her, local guys tormented him by hitting on his "wife" as soon as her feet touched Canadian soil.
This stuff isn't very funny. Because the Russian bride business was born from post-Soviet poverty, it's basically international prostitution. It can get ugly. A U.S. man who had a baby daughter with his ravishingly beautiful Russian bride became convinced she was going to leave him as soon as she aquired her green card, so he murdered her and hid the body. Who knows how many mail-order brides are afraid to leave their husbands/johns, trading ecomonic slavery in their homeland for domestic slavery in the West
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