When I was younger and cuter, I was a social butterfly. I was always involved in theatre, always hanging out with friends, always having "movie nights" and little parties. When I first moved to Edmonton I made friends quickly and easily, but lost touch with them just as quickly when I started to became more of a homebody than a night owl. I still say hi on the street to some people or get the occasional phone call, but there is no more palling around.
I don't really have any friends. I know people, I'm friendly with people - but friends? Not really. We see Jerry & Marilyn once or twice a year, our friend Marlene maybe three times a year. My friend A. comes for dinner occasionally (once a year). That's pretty much it. The last social contact I had with anyone besides Richard when when the kids were here. Oh, and Richard's quasi-friend M talked at me for about 20 minutes about how wonderful and creative and rich and real-estate savvy she is. (The last time she talked at me, it was to rhapsodize about the mystical healing properties of Atlantis bowls, so I guess it coulda been worse, right?)
The theatre should be a social place, and to extent it is. I've met a lot of great people there, and it's always fun. But aside from the occasional after-meeting or after-rehearsal beer, we don't socialize with any of these people. In fact, a girl from the theatre lives in this building, and not once have we suggested having coffee with each other or doing anything more than having polite chitchat in the elevator. She won't even tell us which suite she's in. Also, now that I've stopped doing programs, I haven't been offered any work this season, so far. If I want to keep my foot in the door at the community theatre, I'm apparently going to have to go to every audition and beg for some minor backstage job. I used to be assistant stage manager, stage manager, program coordinator, publicity committee member, etc., etc. What happened? Now I'm just your ordinary member who, if I'm lucky, might get to work the coffeebar once or twice this season. Not exactly the fun, creative, social atmosphere I would prefer, but what else do I have?
I'm secretary of a one-act committee that desperately needs a publicist. Richard and I have a lot PR experience that I offered to the committee, and what have I heard from the members? Zippo. It's like "Secretary-girl, just take notes and email them to us. Then shut up and leave us alone." It's not that they're unfriendly, exactly. They just don't want to socialize with minutes-girl. I'm only there because no else feels like taking notes. There seems O% chance of advancing.
My blog "friends" seem to be the closest thing I've got to a social network, and judging from the dearth of comments on this page I'm guessing most of you aren't terribly interested in me either. But that's to be understand: You have in-the-flesh friends to occupy your time.
What am I doing wrong? How do other people make social friends that they can hang out with once in a while? Richard suggests more volunteering, and I do want to do that... but how am I going to make friends baby-sitting drunks at the Y, or teaching recently released felons how to read? That's a social service - not a social opportunity.
I MISS having friends. I MISS having parties and dinners and coffee chat and all that ordinary, fun stuff. I'm not a party girl. I just want to make contact with other people. I'm 28 and I don't want the rest of my life to go by in social isolation. It's been years since I made any new friends, and naturally my old friends have gone on their lives and don't have time for old friends, except for the odd e-mail. I just don't want it to be this way the rest of my life.
I try to ignore and staunch these feelings most of the time and pretend that I don't mind not having friends, but on some days...without warning...it sneaks up on me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
We talked in length about this last night so I'll keep that private for the most part. Truly we all face this desire to have close friends but it is a life time search for true friendship (sole mates) I know you are blessed with several people in your life as sole mate friends, Your family tops the list. Making friends is not an easy task and takes a seed of inspiration and a whole lot of effort to commit yourself, but well worth the effort! Sometimes we trip over a unsuspecting situation and bang, you've found a friend. Edmonton like all other cities is a very lonely place for average folk. I know this from the crowds of people downtown and along Whyte ave that walk alone, sit in cafes alone, and hide behind books only to take an occasional glimpse of who's in their surroundings. I guess what I'm saying is SME , you don't have the only rights to being alone, we are overpopulated with loners.(I'm one myself) And Ive seen you hide behind books like all the other loners. There's always the potential of meeting other people and connecting. The gal sitting across from you is lonely too, she would love to meet you for conversation, but your both scared of rejection so no one makes the first move. What's wrong with this picture? I think you have to be the one to make the first move to connect and risk rejection. not once but time and time again.Cause with several rejections in order to find just one friend is all worth it. Get that conversation going "hey thats an interesting book your reading" " have you also read bla bla bla?" In the words of folk singer and song writer - John Prine, most folks walk by like they don't care, when they really should stop and say "hello in there". Anyways no more ranting cause you've heard it from me. One note though, the folks at the YMCA down the block , your age and sex young Missy who are awesome folks, you really should not judge the Y without seeing it for yourself. Lots of wonderful people volunteer there, and potential is high to make friends there. I'll be swimming there this winter myself.
Hello In There
©John Prine
We had an apartment in the city,
Me and Loretta liked living there.
Well, it'd been years since the kids had grown,
A life of their own left us alone.
John and Linda live in Omaha,
And Joe is somewhere on the road.
We lost Davy in the Korean war,
And I still don't know what for, don't matter anymore.
Chorus:
Ya' know that old trees just grow stronger,
And old rivers grow wilder ev'ry day.
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello."
Me and Loretta, we don't talk much more,
She sits and stares through the back door screen.
And all the news just repeats itself
Like some forgotten dream that we've both seen.
Someday I'll go and call up Rudy,
We worked together at the factory.
But what could I say if asks "What's new?"
"Nothing, what's with you? Nothing much to do."
Repeat Chorus:
So if you're walking down the street sometime
And spot some hollow ancient eyes,
Please don't just pass 'em by and stare
As if you didn't care, say, "Hello in there, hello."
"Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar."
---Benjamin Franklin
"If you have two friends in your lifetime, you're lucky. If you have one good friend, you're more than lucky."
---Bryon Douglas
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
---Oprah Winfrey
"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everyhwere."
---Tim McGraw
"Friends are the most important part of your life. Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, but most importantly, treasure the memories."
---Dave Brenner
"Like branches of a tree we grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one. Each of our lives will always be a special part of the other's."
---Unknown
"Some friends come and go like a season. Others are arranged in our lives for good reason."
---Sharita Gadison
"A true friend is someone you can disagree with and still remain friends. For if not, they weren't true friends in the first place."
---Sandy Ratliff
"Friends are like stars... you don't always see them, but you know they're always there."
---Hulali Luta
"When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you, and your best friend will be there."
---Unknown
"The best part of life is when your family becomes your friends, and your friends become your family."
---Danica Whitfield
"True friends are always together in spirit."
---Lucy Maud Montgomery
I think this quote is especially for you SME... Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
Put that up your bippy!
SME: I'm going through something very similar myself these days, only hampered by living in a small town where there are far less opportunities. S&S is right; we have to take risks but that's the hardest thing to do sometimes. It is worth the effort in the end, but sometimes it just feels like too much work for me. I enjoy solitary activities like reading, writing, blogging, hiking...but I know I'll never create a full life for myself by doing just those things. E-town must have a volunteer beureau where they keep lists of places that need volunteers; that's where I'd start. It'll take time, but you have to start somewhere.
I am thinking of getting involved in the local radio co-op; way more interesting than the library (my only other option here besides the thrift store...)
I always read and care about what you have to say, BTW; I just don't always comment prolifically.
It's tough to make new friends once you're kinda stuck in a situation. I'm not exactly one for advice on the subject. I try to make friends with classmates, but seem to rarely be able to connect with them outside of class.
Are there any activities you like to do? Maybe there's a club nearby you could join? A Meetup? THere's Meetup Groups for just about everything nowadays. What about a class at a local community center you and your hubby could take together & meet people?
It's tough. Hang in there though!
I hear you, SME, am also in the same boat and would suspect that a lot of us here in blog-land are also. Once you get married, there's a transition period where your friendships change. It's hellish. Sounds like that is where you are right now. This transition takes years to get through.
There's a big diff between people you know (acquaintances), work friends, friends and good friends. The good news is that these people accompany you through life and, as you can see by reading my blog, pop up again as long as 35 years later. Even the non dating kind pop up 30 plus years later (in my case 2-4 others).
Have been thinking about what underlies these relationships. Am by no means an authority on this...but here are some thoughts.
Things in common. Commonly-held experiences as children/teens/working adults
Commonly held values (e.g. working on the same political campaigns, volunteering on the same school/save the park/SPCA/church committees, etc.)
Interests in common: exercising, pets, the arts, cooking, reading, current events, health/medical/other support groups, photography, music
There was a great line that one of the characters on the West Wing said: There are more things that keep us together than keep us apart.
I talk to anyone these days for that very reason. Funny, they feel natural enough to answer me right back. Cool, huh?
p.s. Don't staunch the feelings...it's good that you're uncomfortable because that means that you're getting ready to do something about it.
But the only one who can change something about your life is you.
It's hard to know how much of what I felt yesterday was sadness, and how much PMS. But I DO feel better today, and I know this friendship thing won't sneak up on me again for another month or two. Thanks for your ideas and encouragement, everybody! I looked into some fun classes at a continuing-education center (although for me, fun would be "law for the layperson") and I've volunteered for a show at the theatre, "A Child's Christmas in Wales". Looks like I'll be the sound op, which is something I haven't tried before; could be a lot of fun. I always have a hoot in the booth. I might also volunteer at the Y just to see what it's like, and I'm thinking of volunteering at a literacy center down the street, too. Even if I don't make any pals in any of these activities, at least I'll be busy to whine about it! ;D
We LOVE you, even if you are whiney! ;)
Post a Comment