Reason to Smile #21: Happy Videos

Going through a low-level funk at the moment. These three vids cheer me up immensely...

True Confession:

I like Polyphonic Spree.

Worst Music Video Ever?

What do cellophane, bamboo cages, lightning, and a creepy moppet have in common? Well, nothing. That's partly why this video sucks.

Recent Satanic/Heavy Metal Panic in Russia

I hesitate to call these two examples "Satanic panic", because they're more like Satanic idiocy.

• A teacher in Orenburg has been fired because kids in his "school of rock" afterschool club were recreating heavy metal music videos with Satanic overtones. The director of the cultural centre at which the club convened is quoted as saying the children displayed signs of "manic depression" afterwards, as though any religion or form of entertainment could cause bipolar disorder.
  
• The city of Belgorod has issued requests to all live-music venues to stop putting on heavy metal concerts, reportedly "to promote suppression of satanic activity".
  

The Song That Still Always Makes Me Cry

After a Janis Ian concert tonight, which was just awesome, Richard insisted on sticking around to get a book signed. So I had to tell her that a song she co-wrote makes me cry every time I hear it, and she said she'd tell that to Jon Vezner. Then she asked, "What's the other song that makes you cry?" and I realized I must have told her that "This Old Town" is one of two songs that always makes me cry. And I had to admit the other one was "Under Pressure". That could've been embarrassing, but she just hummed a little of it and said, "Well, I'm in good company."

Cool.

In Defense of Kanye

Okay, I said I wouldn't blog for a week because of my messed-up neck and I'm still two days away from returning. But I had to say something about the Kanye West "outburst" at the Video Music Awards. Thanks to the pathetic "news" provided by Yahoo, this came on my radar today and the story (as it has been told by entertainment pundits) really annoyed me.

Apparently, this is what happened: Some adorable, sweet, but more or less entirely talentless little nitwit named Taylor Swift won a VMA award for something-or-other. I wouldn't know, because her music sounds like the elevator music they would play in hell right before David Hasselhoff shows up to tell you his philosophy of life. After handing Ms. Swift her award (or rushing the stage, depending on which account you hear), Kanye West turned to the audience and said, "But Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time." Which is inarguably true. Teenage girls and gay men will be doing that choreography until the end of time, and it's not a bad song, either.

Beyonce showed a great deal of class later in the night. After accepting her own award, she called Swift up to the stage and let her have another undeserved minute in the spotlight. Everybody cheered and got a warm fuzzy and it was all good.

Then, the next day, everybody freaked out on Kanye for ruining this young girl's moment. Pink called him "the biggest piece of sh** in the world". Katy Perry said something equally mean that I have already forgotten because it was said by Katy Perry.

Here's the deal. Kanye West says the stuff that everybody is thinking but no one wants to say.
We already knew that George W. Bush didn't care about black people, but it seemed indelicate to say that aloud when he and FEMA were *trying so hard* to help Katrina survivors. We already knew that Taylor Swift is a cookie-cutter purveyor of pop slop who will be doing ProActive infomercials in five years, while Beyonce lounges on the beach of a small country she has just purchased.

We like to pounce on Kanye for blurting out comments that seem to be in poor taste, but let's face it - if our tastes were any better than his, Taylor Swift would not be winning awards. So let's quit slamming the guy, and give him a little bit of credit for saying the stuff we're too chicken to say.


I also wanted to say goodbye to an under-rated, under-appreciated actor. Patrick Swayze earned his acting chops. He shaved his legs and wore fishnets to play a drag queen, he played the motivational speaker from hell, and he could even dance.
We'll miss you.

Pop-Culturally Illiterate. Please Help.

Who is this "Keane", and why does he insist on doing shitty covers of some of my favorite songs? So far he has defiled She Sells Sanctuary, Under Pressure, and Enjoy the Silence, and I've been unfortunate enough to hear him do it. Is there a petition I can sign, or something? Anything?

A Shallow Moment

The other night, Richard insisted on watching (and I insisted on not watching) Neil Young's concert documentary CSNY/Deja Vu, chronicling the band's North American "Freedom of Speech" tour.

I do not like Neil Young. It's not because of his politics; I am also anti-war and slightly left of center. It's not because of that screechy, whiny voice that reminds me somewhat of a dental drill. It's not because of his songwriting - I actually like several of his songs, when someone else sings them (ditto for Dylan). Sure, I can't figure out "Sugar Mountain" ("can't be 20" what, exactly, Mr. Young? Years old? Pounds overweight?), but "Ohio" and "Helpless" are good. I'm slightly annoyed by his seeming hatred for other men (old men, Southern men, etc.), but that's his problem, not mine.

No, I don't like Neil Young because he is really, really hard on the eyes. The first time I saw him, in his "Harvest Moon" video, I almost vomited. And since then I've been wondering why he has gone to such dramatic lengths to uglify himself. It's one thing to underdress for concerts; most rock stars do that, and I'm cool with flannel and T-shirts. But why the uneven muttonchops, the straggly hair, the Neanderthalian shuffle that makes Nixon look like a prima ballerina by comparison?

OK, pretty boys like Michael Buble and Justin Timberlake annoy me with their overgroomed, Boy Scout looks, but DAMMIT Mr. Young! Do something with yourself! You're a multi-millionaire! You can't expect people to pay top dollar for tickets just to see you looking like the result of a force-5 hurricane!

I don't consider myself a vain or shallow person. I own exactly two pairs of shoes, not including boots or sandals, and they're both practical. I rarely wear makeup or spend more than 10 minutes on my hair. I have never had a manicure in my life. But Neil Young makes even me blanch. That says a lot.

Still, I realize that my thoughts on Neil Young indicate strong shallowness on my part. If there's anything you think I can do to overcome my aversion to all things Young, please help me out. Richard would be grateful.

100 Songs Meme

I got this one from my mom, who got it from Suldog. Pretty fun!

Here's what you do:
A) Go to Music Outfitters.
B) In the search function, enter the year you graduated from high school. Get the list of the 100 most popular songs of that year.
C) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you hate, and underline or italicize your favorite. Do nothing to those you don’t remember or don’t care about

My comments are in blue.

I couldn't really recall many of the hit songs of '96, so I was disappointed to learn it was a very good year for mediocre hiphop, generic post-grunge bands, Mariah Carey, and Celine Dion. Not to mention my least favourite band in the history of the planet, Hootie and the Blowfish. Those guys were so out of it on beer and ESPN that they couldn't be bothered to change key. A lot of these groups were one-hit wonders that I've completely erased from my memory. In other words, it was a really bad year for pop music.

The Top 100 Songs of 1996:
1. Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix), Los Del Rio (it was a lot less annoying then than it is now!)
2. One Sweet Day, Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men
3. Because You Loved Me, Celine Dion (crappy song from a crappy movie)
4. Nobody Knows, Tony Rich Project
5. Always Be My Baby, Mariah Carey
6. Give Me One Reason, Tracy Chapman
7. Tha Crossroads, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
8. I Love You Always Forever, Donna Lewis (I hate this song, always forever!!)
9. You're Makin' Me High/Let It Flow, Toni Braxton (cool video, too)
10. Twisted, Keith Sweat
11. C'mon N' Ride It (The Train), Quad City DJs (hellishly annoying)
12. Missing, Everything But The Girl
13. Ironic, Alanis Morissette (not bad at the time, but now I'm just irritated when people misuse "ironic")
14. Exhale (Shoop Shoop), Whitney Houston
15. Follow You Down/Til I Hear It From You, Gin Blossoms (If there's a hell, the Gin Blossoms will be there.)
16. Sittin' Up In My Room, Brandy
17. How Do U Want It/California Love, 2Pac
18. It's All Coming Back To Me Now, Celine Dion (It's coming back to me, too. And I think I'm gonna be sick.)
19. Change The World, Eric Clapton
20. Hey Lover, LL Cool J
21. Loungin, LL Cool J
22. Insensitive, Jann Arden (didn't like it at the time, but Ms. Arden has grown on me)
23. Be My Lover, La Bouche
24. Name, Goo Goo Dolls
25. Who Will Save Your Soul, Jewel (first of the breathy waifs who set their weird-ass junior high poetry to some bland accoustic guitar and passed it off as art. Damn her.)
26. Where Do You Go, No Mercy ("No Mercy" is right.)
27. I Can't Sleep Baby (If I), R. Kelly (If I wanna listen to pedophiles, I'll become a Catholic. Okay, that was low. But I'm not takin' it back.)
28. Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla
29. You Learn/You Oughta Know, Alanis Morissette (Folks have issues with "angry songs", but I think anyone on the planet can relate to You Oughta Know. We all might as well just admit it.)
30. One Of Us, Joan Osborne (not bad, but seriously overplayed!)
31. Wonder, Natalie Merchant
32. Not Gon' Cry, Mary J. Blige
33. Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio
34. Only You, 112 Featuring The Notorious B.I.G.
35. Down Low (Nobody Has To Know), R. Kelly (R. Kelly's theme song, originally titled "Your Parents Don't Have to Know")
36. You're The One, SWV
37. Sweet Dreams, La Bouche
38. Before You Walk Out Of My Life/Like This And Like That, Monica
39. Breakfast At Tiffany's, Deep Blue Something (*shudder* Somebody, please make this song go away!)
40. 1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New), Coolio
41. The World I Know, Collective Soul
42. No Diggity, BLACKstreet (Featuring Dr. Dre)
43. Anything, 3t
44. 1979, The Smashing Pumpkins
45. Diggin' On You, TLC
46. Why I Love You So Much/Ain't Nobody, Monica
47. Kissin' You, Total
48. Count On Me, Whitney Houston and Cece Winans
49. Fantasy, Mariah Carey
50. Time, Hootie and The Blowfish
51. You'll See, Madonna
52. Last Night, Az Yet
53. Mouth, Merril Bainbridge
54. The Earth, The Sun, The Rain, Color Me Badd
55. All The Things (Your Man Won't Do), Joe
56. Wonderwall, Oasis
57. Woo-hah!! Got You All In Check/Everything Remains Raw, Busta Rhymes
58. Tell Me, Groove Theory
59. Elevators (Me and You), Outkast
60. Hook, Blues Traveler
61. Doin It, LL Cool J
62. Fastlove, George Michael
63. Touch Me Tease Me, Case Featuring Foxxy Brown
64. Tonite's Tha Night, Kris Kross (I think this was a pre-teen duo. Probably in rehab and/or jail by now, with the rest of the exploited child stars...)
65. Children, Robert Miles
66. Theme From Mission: Impossible, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen
67. Closer To Free, Bodeans
68. Just A Girl, No Doubt
69. If Your Girl Only Knew, Aaliyah (one of R. Kelly's victims, if I'm not mistaken)
70. Lady, D'angelo
71. Key West Intermezzo (I Saw You First), John Mellencamp
72. Pony, Ginuwine ("Ginuwine"? Are you freaking kidding me?)
73. Nobody, Keith Sweat
74. Old Man and Me (When I Get To Heaven), Hootie and The Blowfish (I don't remember this one, thank God)
75. If It Makes You Happy, Sheryl Crow
76. As I Lay Me Down, Sophie B. Hawkins
77. Keep On, Keepin' On, Mc Lyte
78. Jealousy, Natalie Merchant
79. I Want To Come Over, Melissa Etheridge
80. Who Do U Love, Deborah Cox
81. Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton
82. This Is Your Night, Amber
83. You Remind Me Of Something, R. Kelly (Please don't tell us what "something" is...)
84. Runaway, Janet Jackson
85. Set U Free, Planet Soul
86. Hit Me Off, New Edition
87. No One Else, Total
88. My Boo, Ghost Town DJs
89. Get Money, Junior M.A.F.I.A.
90. That Girl, Maxi Priest Featuring Shaggy
91. Po Pimp, Do Or Die
92. Until It Sleeps, Metallica
93. Hay, Crucial Conflict
94. Beautiful Life, Ace Of Base
95. Back For Good, Take That
96. I Got Id/Long Road, Pearl Jam
97. Soon As I Get Home, Faith Evans (or am I getting this confused with "Sunny Came Home"? I think I am.)
98. Macarena, Los Del Rio
99. Only Wanna Be With You, Hootie and The Blowfish (WORST SONG EVER)
100. Don't Cry, Seal

P.S. My apologies to Kriss Kross. According to Wikipedia, they're still recording and one of them owns his own label.

World's Shortest Movie Review: "I'm Not There"

Also Known As: I Don't Care
Synopsis: All-star Bob Dylan psychobiography in which the many sides and phases of Dylan are portrayed by different actors, including a woman (Cate Blanchett) and a young black boy. A device used to greater effect by Todd Solondz in Palindromes.
The Upshot: At last, the real Dylan: All the drunken muttering! All the posturing! All the screwed-up relationships! All the songs you can't really sing along to because you can't understand half the freakin' words!
Upsides: Richie Havens cameo. Unfortunately too short to redeem the film.
Downsides: They didn't cast the one actor I feel could convincingly portray Dylan.
Notable as: The first Todd Haynes movie that well and truly sucks.

World's Shortest Movie Review: "Control"

Summary: The very short life story of Ian Curtis, epileptic vocalist of Joy Division. His struggles with sudden fame, seizures, an early marriage, and a mistress ended with his suicide at age 23, in 1980.
Upsides: Marvelously well-cast, artfully filmed in B&W. And of course the soundtrack is great. Good use of the music; "Love Will Tear Us Apart" plays as Debbie Curtis (Samantha Morton) literally tears apart her flat searching for evidence of her husband's affair.
Downsides: Rather shallow portrait of Curtis; we see his morose and guilt-ridden side, but little else. Where's the infamous temper? The punk 'tude?
Actor Sam Riley apparently did some of the vocals, because the concert scenes sound nothing like Ian Curtis (they do look him, though, complete with weird dancing).
Also, I can't get "Transmission" out my head.

File Under: "Borderline-pervy Music Stuff That I Really Didn't Need to Know"

My mother's idol, Neil Diamond, admitted he wrote "Sweet Caroline" about Caroline Kennedy, who was all of 10 at the time. Somewhat creepy. (This also means that when I was about 10, I had to listen to four encores of a song about a Kennedy. Blggh.)

Sting was recently voted one of the worst lyricists in history, even though whoever writes Rhianna's songs can get away with "The world has took its part". I could get on board if Sting was nominated the most overrated songwriter, but worst? C'mon. There's anything wrong with trying to rhyme to "cough" and "Nabokov". But what I do find creepy is that all those Police songs that sound romantic and poppy are actually just, well, kinda sick. I think "Every Breath You Take" could be included on K-Tel's Songs to Stalk By collection, and "Don't Stand So Close to Me" becomes icky when you discover (as I recently did) that Sting used to be a schoolteacher. Blggh.

No, Seriously. Leave Britney Alone.

Today I heard Janice Ian's rendition of Pete Seeger's song "Who Killed Norma Jean?", written in the style of the nursery rhyme "Who Killed Cock Robin?" To me, it wasn't a song about one woman who died 40 years ago, but a plea on behalf of all the beautiful young women who were (and are) thrown into the public arena at tender ages, idolized, then thrown away when their personal problems became too embarrassing. I thought of Edie Sedgwick. Jean Harlow. Anna Nicole. All of them uniquely human, but treated purely as commodities and allowed to ruin themselves with drugs, horrible relationships, and disastrous career choices until they were simply used up and didn't want to continue living.

Blame the media if you want, but we're the consumers of their product. Blame their managers, but we're the ones who buy the albums or watch the movies. Blame their families, but they're caught up in the same whirlpool of fame and destruction.

Once the women are beaten down so far they will never get up, then we idolize them again. Canonize them, even. They are our saints of pop culture, the ruined angels who were just "too fragile" for life on Earth, to be forever enshrined in mass-produced iconography. We forget their humanity as soon as we destroy it.

If the cruel jokes and nonstop scrutiny become too much for Britney Spears and something tragic happens, we are all to blame. Stop before it's too late.

Who Killed Norma Jean?
by Pete Seeger

Who killed Norma Jean?
I, said the City, as a civic duty,
I killed Norma Jean.

Who saw her die?
I, said the Night, and a bedroom light,
We saw her die.

Who'll catch her blood?
I, said the Fan, with my little pan,
I'll catch her blood.

Who'll make her shroud?
I, said the Lover, my guilt to cover,
I'll make her shroud.

Who'll dig her grave?
The tourist will come and join in the fun,
He'll dig her grave.

Who'll be chief mourners?
We who represent, and lose our ten percent.
We'll be the chief mourners.

Who'll bear the pall?
We, said the Press, in pain and distress,
We'll bear the pall.

Who'll toll the bell?
I, screamed the mother, locked in her tower,
I'll pull the bell.Who'll soon forget?

I, said the Page, beginning to fade,
I'll be the first to forget.

Hang the DJ

Richard is subjecting me to Buffy St.-Marie music. Oh, the pain. I've got headphones clamped on, but that awful warbling is still drowning out The Smiths. Damn hippies. It's times like this that the generation gap becomes a yawning chasm (and I'd like to pitch this CD into it).

Dylan, translated