I have been emotionally and creatively blocked for several months now. The death of our friend, and my mentor, Marlene, left a larger space in my heart than I could have anticipated. And though I try not to fret over the declining mental and physical health of my grandparents - as they have firmly refused any help from me, and there is very little I can do from a distance - I do fret. I also feel tremendous emotional distance from some other members of my family. I love them as I always do and I realize that they love me as they always do, but there simply isn't the time or the space to connect in real ways very often. At times, with only Richard and a few friends as my anchor, I feel adrift.

Creatively, I have so many ideas and concepts for fabulous, exciting projects. But putting them into practice? I don't feel the energy or will needed to tackle even one of them at this point. My blogs languish, my notes gather dust. I've collected a tremendous amount of material during this "downtime", which is good I suppose, but it needs to be shaped and shared to be meaningful.

I know this is all a temporary stasis, but at times it feels like it's going to be permanent. It would help somewhat, I think, to have the support of family and close friends when it comes to my writing and other projects. But that can be too much to ask of people who are grappling with their own, extremely serious, issues and commitments.

This post is really just a venting exercise, so feel free to not comment. Or maybe I should call it "ventilating" - letting in fresh air and kicking out of the some of the dust. That's what I'm trying to do, anyway.

Washing My Hands of "The Truth"

(Please ignore any profanity in this post. I just saw Winnebago Man, and the rage is kinda contagious.)

So. I haven't posted anything about 9/11 Truther drama in a long time. Believe me, it's not because there isn't any. It's because I'm so motherfucking sick of the entire fucking movement and all its bullshit adolescent paranoid drama that some days I'll think I'll start hemorrhaging if I hear the words "inside job" or "building 7" even one more time. And since avoidance is a pretty reliable way to deal with shit, I went with it.

I'm not going to bore anyone with a lot of detail here. If you have friends or relations who are into any conspiracy theory or alternative belief system of any kind, I'm sure you can fill in the blanks easily. The bottom line is that Richard departed from the local Truth squad because he felt it was more or less taken over by people that like to harp on issues unrelated to 9/11. You know, tapwater sapping your precious fluids and whatnot.

But the local Truth website remains under his control alone, and our friend "Natalie" has an issue with that. She was under the mistaken impression that the site was some sort of group effort, even though Richard pays for it and has always been the sole moderator. So as soon as she saw something objectionable on the site, she fired off an email in ALL CAPS with just one sentence: "WE NEED TO TALK." No other info.

Naturally, being a friend to Natalie and knowing how incredibly stressful paranoid Truther drama bullshit can be for a kind and patient person like her, I gave her a call last night. She was very frustrated and ranted that Richard was perhaps trying to sabotage her group with the website. He hadn't posted something she wanted him to post. I couldn't speak for Richard, of course, but I tried to explain things for her the best I could and was sympathetic to her problems. Despite this, she really didn't calm down at all and the conversation ended abruptly when she shrieked, "He's trying to FUCK ME OVER!" and slammed down the phone.

I thought, okay, she's stressed. She's burned out. She's not herself today. That's understandable. So I sent her a short email completing my explanation of the website issue, basically telling her that if the group wants a website it can wholly control, it must get its own. I told her I just called to see how she was doing and to help in any way I could.
Then I had a good cry and went to Winnebago Man, which cheered me up a bit.

When I returned, this email message from Nataliewas waiting for me:

"OK...you phoned to see how I was doing. Fine. Pray tell, what did I need help with, that you felt the need to call and offer help with? Did someone tell you I needed help...or did you just have a 'gut feeling?'"

I was quite surprised by this. I knew Natalie was peeved with Richard, but this was the first indication that she was actually furious with me as well. What the hell did I do, except try to help?
I told her the truth: I called because she wrote a letter in ALL CAPS. I mean, that's a distress signal, is it not? Your friend starts emailing in ALL CAPS, and you check to see if she's okay or having a nervous breakdown or what. It's common courtesy.

Natalie was not content with this explanation. She sent another email, again demanding to know why I had called.

When Richard got home from work, I told him what Natalie was upset about and urged him to correct it ASAP. He did. It turned out to be a very minor issue; he had accidentally overlooked an email, nothing more.

So today Natalie sent an email of "apology":
"I still fail to see how if you knew nothing you felt the need to contact me and HELP me. With what? It seems apparent to me that you and [Richard] were talking.

Why didn't [Richard] contact me?

I will own up to the fact that I do need to apologize to you [SME] for my outbursts last night. I am so frustrated by this whole situation and I see it taking our group in a direction that is being labelled and dictated by one person. And we all should be careful of assumptions. It really muddies conversations and situations.

I am very sorry about last night [SME] and my anger should have been directed elsewhere, if indeed it was necessary. I also know anger is bad for the liver according to Traditional Chinese Medicine."

She went on to tell me that I should mind my own business. Which of course I will. I wash my hands of all this crazy crap. I do not need psycho bitchmonster from hell bullshit on top of all the other weirdness, drama, and abuse I have tolerated from Truthers over the past three years. They're on their own. I have shit to do.
In my opinion, Natalie and a lot of other people in the Truth movement need traditional Chinese psychiatrists to deal with this contagious paranoia disorder they have.

People Who Suck

- Michelle Bachmann

To get any stupider or more insane, this woman would have to hire a blind child to perform a craniotomy on her with a rusty fork, remove her brains, and replace them with Philly cream cheese. 'Cause she has gone just about as far as nature and science can take her. When she's not blaming ethnic minorities for the housing bust or blaming Democrats for Swine Flu (srsly), or freaking out over lightbulbs and hypothetical currency, she's opposing minimum wage increases and calling for investigations into the "patriotism" of Democratic members of Congress. We already tried that, Ms. Bachmann. We call it McCarthyism. It sucked even more than you do.

- Jon Whatever-his-name-is

Dude. You have 8 kids under the age of 10. You don't have time to date. Whether you're doing this chick or not, bar-hopping in the AM and hanging with 23-year-old hotties is enough to make you look like a dick and your poor wife look like a fool. Your kids are probably wondering where you are. You're also setting a bad example for all the other dads who are going to be raising umpteen kids because of today's ethically questionable fertility methods. I know the stress at home is probably enough to kill you, but seriously. Knock it off. If cold showers don't do the trick, remind yourself how much child support you'll be paying if Kate smartens up and turfs your ridiculous ass.

- A 9/11 Truther and Michael Moore

As you may know, the 9/11 Truth event Richard helped organize took place last weekend. The featured speaker was media critic Barrie Zwicker, a highly interesting, intelligent, and likable man.

Then there's the other guy. Or rather, there's the blank spot where the other guy should have been, which was filled by a documentary he produced and directed. Almost as soon as he was booked to speak at the event, this guy - I'll call him Con McSwindleton - warned the organizers that his chronic health problems might prevent him from making it all the way from his home in the States to Edmonton. That was fine with everybody; they were willing to accommodate him and play it by ear. They didn't even give him a decide-by deadline. When Richard purchased Con's plane ticket a couple of months ago (with generous donations from two members of the group, who subsequently lost their jobs) , he explained the situation to a seasoned travel agent and asked what course of action she would recommend. She advised him to take out cancellation insurance rather than shell out an extra grand for a refundable ticket. If McSwindleton had to cancel, he could get a refund stateside by presenting a doctor's note.

Richard went with the insurance and told Con that if he cancelled (which he did), he would have to give a doc's note to Delta for a refund. Out of that he could keep $500 for his speaker's fee. Consider it a donation to your organization, the Edmonton group told him. You're doing such good work that we'd like to help support it.

You can probably see where this is going.

Con cancelled a couple of days before the event, saying he was too ill with his unspecified condition to travel. One week later, he had made no effort to get the ticket money refunded. Instead, he took $700 worth of credit from Delta for himself and told the Truthers that he simply couldn't get a doctor's note because it is nearly impossible to get one in the U.S. Because he is uninsured, he would have to pay at least $1000 for that sort of thing. Or, as he put it in an email, "You do realize i [sic] dont [sic] have medical insurance and therefore will not be able to obtain a doctors note [sic]". Note, please, that he had never mentioned this snag before.
And because he is sick, unemployed, utterly broke, and living off of friends, he simply can't swing it. It's your fault for being too cheap to get a refundable ticket, he said.

You should know that until recently, McSwindleton was pulling at least $100K a year. Then he was supposedly diagnosed with this grave illness or condition or whatever, and his employer forbid him from working. He has yet to explain why he can't go to the physician(s) who diagnosed him for a note. Yes, Americans can get notes from their doctors without paying $1000. In fact, many doctors will do it free of charge for their patients. At most, you will have to pay a modest fee. Under $20.

Sadly, one of the Truthers halfway buys into Con McSwindleton's blatant B.S., in part because he's a very kind man, and in part because his knowledge of American health care comes exclusively from Sicko.

Damn you, Michael Moore.