Friday, April 09, 2010

Did You Save Your Receipt?

I originally posted this in November '08, but Russia's recent call for a moratorium on foreign adoptions, spurred by an American couple's rejection of their adopted son, makes it bear repeating.

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I saw an immensely disturbing story on 20/20 tonight. Well, actually stories...the stories of American couples who adopted Russian children, then had second thoughts.

The program focused on Michael and Tanya Mulligan, a Florida couple who adopted three Russian children, two girls and a boy. The boy suffers mild brain damage and sometimes acts out violently. The girls are better-behaved, but have sibling rivalry issues and some minor behavioral problems. The Mulligans are currently suing their adoption service because, as Michael Mulligan so delicately puts it, "When it comes down to dollars and cents, you're basically buying a child." And they feel that the three children they "bought" are defective merchandise. Unable and/or unwilling to parent these children as they agreed to do, they've dumped them off at a Montana ranch run by a woman who takes in adopted children and teens (mostly Russian and Eastern European) that other people don't want. The ranch accomodates 40 children at a time, and it's always full. It's like the SPCA for Russian adoptees. Foreign adoptees whose "parents" can't afford the boarding fees at the ranch or at boarding schools end up in an already overtaxed foster care system, in federally funded programs like Job Corps, or back in Russia.
If you think I'm exaggerating by comparing this ranch to the SPCA, here's a quote from the journal of Amy Thompson: "We discussed how much we would love to get rid of them like dogs at the pound, and even contacted a ranch in Montana about taking them to other homes." Amy and her husband Gary had adopted two Russian children. In 2003, Gary intentionally lowered 3-year-old Liam into a tub of scalding water, and both Thompsons refused to treat his second- and third-degree burns for two days. Liam died.

One Russian child at the ranch, a 9-year-old, was placed in psychiatric care after only 5 weeks in the U.S. because her family was alarmed by the way she ran around their house "touching everything", and by her temper tantrums. She is now appears to be a wholly socialized and normal child.

Would you place your 9-year-old in a psych ward for "touching things" and having tantrums? Probably not. Even if you wanted to do so, the system doesn't make it easy for biological parents to cop out on their responsibilities. So why do we make it easy for adoptive parents?

Faced with the fact that her youngest adopted child is brain-damaged, Tanya Mulligan whines that she'll have to take care of him for the rest of his life. She also whines that non-adoptive parents can't understand her situation, "People don't understand. These kids come at you every day … many times a day. It's like a battering ram and they just keep at you and keep at you and keep at you." She wonders where things went wrong.

Well, let's break it down for you, Mrs. Mulligan...

1. You "buy" children from a foreign country, probably with the expectation that they will be extremely grateful to you for "rescuing" them from a life of squalor.

2. You don't bother to learn a single word of Russian. The children, of course, do not know any English. Why would they? They didn't know they were going to be purchased by Americans.

3. You encounter situations (rebellion, tantrums, brain damage, sibling rivalry) that can and do arise in biological families. Rather than accepting such travails as challenges of parenthood, you see them as evidence that you aren't getting your money's worth. Much like those fat middle-aged men who order desperate 20-year-old wives from Russia, then can't understand why they're dumped after the ladies' green cards arrive.

I think I might know where things went wrong, Mrs. Mulligan. And it's got nothing to do with your children.

This is not to say that some adoption agencies/agents aren't unscrupulous, dishonest, or even criminal. Some are, and should be held accountable. But shouldn't there be some accountability for adoptive parents who abandon their children when things don't go their way? And isn't it time we teach people to carefully weigh the merits and downsides of foreign child-buying adoption before encouraging them to jump into it? Should books like Adoption for Dummies really be on our library shelves?

The program mentioned that 15 Russian children have been murdered by their American adoptive parents since the early 1990s, and described the death of Nina Hilt in 2005. The 2-year-old was severely beaten by her alcoholic adoptive mother, who became enraged when the toddler tried to "attack" her other adopted daughter. Nina died during a Fourth of the July vacation the following day. Peggy Hilt gave police and prosecutors a sob story about being so overwhelmed by caring for a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old that she simply had to drink a 12-pack of beer every day.

Rather than making an example of Hilt, a court recently reduced her sentence. A Newsweek story on the murder actually begins, "Peggy Hilt wanted to be a good mother". Would anyone say this about a woman who pummeled, shook, and kicked her biological toddler to death? God, I hope not.
This list of Russian-adoptee murders shows that in every case, the child had been in the U.S. for less than a year. In most of the cases, the murderers were middle-class, educated people with no history of violence, yet the abuses are appalling. Brenda and Bob Matthey sadistically punished and tortured their adopted 6-year-old Russian son, Viktor, whom they froze to death by locking in an unheated crawlspace. The Mattheys were outwardly religious people who insisted that Viktor's Reactive Attachment Disorder and tantrums drove them to duct-tape his mouth, lock him in a crawlspace without access to a toilet, and force-feed him uncooked or salty food without water as a punishment. They also whipped their six children (4 biological sons, plus Viktor's 4-year-old twin brothers) with a cat o' nine tails. According to one website, Viktor might have been a victim of controversial "attachment therapy" techniques.
Renee Polreis tried to convince a court that her 2-year-old Russian adopted son, David, beat himself to death with a wooden spoon while her husband was out of town. When that failed to convince, her attorney produced a pathologist who said the bruising could have been caused by pneumonia. Polreis insisted David had severe Reactive Attachment Disorder, despite a psychologist's testimony that he had watched David hug and kiss her a month before his murder.

I don't know how many Russian mail-order brides like Anastasia Solovieva have been slaughtered by their husbands, but I fear that number isn't good, either.
The murders of foreign adoptees pass quickly out of public consciousness. At this time, a mere handful of websites honour the dead children and call for increased oversight in the adoption industry.
Why is this happening? Is it possible that some people don't feel the same empathy for their adopted children than they do for their own children? Some of these cases remind me of the torture death of Sylvia Likens at the hands of other teens and children, egged on by her guardian. This woman, Gertrude Banishewski, was not known to abuse her own 7 children, yet she had no difficulty beating, burning, starving, and molesting another child in her care. Similarly, the Mattheys did not lock their own children in unheated rooms when they misbehaved. Is it really the children who have attachment disorders in these instances?
While people like the Mulligans aren't abusive toward their adopted children, I wonder about the emotional trauma that could result when children are forcibly removed from their home countries, made to live in households in which no one speaks their languages, and abandoned if their reactions to their new environments become bothersome. It is painfully obvious that many adoptive parents aren't prepared for any sort of parenting, much less foreign adoptions.

Some choices are meant to be permanent. If you can't live with their consequences, then you shouldn't be making them.

12 comments:

sp said...

That is deeply disturbing. I had no idea about this story. It is clearly far too easy to adopt, and sadly there is nothing in place to help anyone (child or parent) prepare or adjust to their new life. It is a shocking story.

tweetey30 said...

I remember this story. Its sad.. I mean those kids dont have what we have here why do you think they were up for adoption in the first place???

I dont get why they have to be such dicks about it. I mean come on you always meet with the children before you adopt them and if you see something you dont like or dont want dont take that child.. But come on they need families to love them too. If I could I would take them.

I love children of all ages.. It takes time to get used to each other when you adopt.. I mean come on didnt it take you and the kids time to adjust when you and Doug stated dating?? its just like that in many ways..

Wandering Coyote said...

I remember well your previous post on this topic. It's just sick and disgusting...

Laura said...

This is really disturbing. I do think there are two things at play that make this different than typical adoptions.

1) There are ALWAYS emotional, behavioral, and mental challenges to face when adopting a toddler or child. They come with pre-existing behaviors, emotional trauma, senses of rejection that are already there from being abandoned (and likely abused) before.

2) Language & cultural barriers and the fact that the "parents" aren't bothered to learn about these things.

Put those two together and you have a very unique problem that adoption agencies are NOT handling correctly. Anyone who adopts a child (not baby, child) from anywhere, but especially a foreign country, should be legally obligated to attend therapy counseling for at least a year to work through all those problems.

A child isn't a blank slate like a baby. Adopting a baby from a foreign country is one thing. A child who already has a history is quite another and it should not be allowed except under closely monitored circumstances.

S.M. Elliott said...

There definitely need to be more safeguards and resources in place to help prospective adoptive parents realize and cope with the fact that older children are almost guaranteed to have baggage. I think most of the people who gave up on their Russian adoptees expected gratitude above all else, but no child is going to be grateful about being suddenly transplanted to an alien environment with different language, different food, different customs, and many expectations.

Al-truist said...

One of the more insightful columns I've read here in quite some time. That's for bringing attention to this Sarah.

tweetey30 said...

You know SME I just recently saw on TV that this couple adopted a little boy from Russia and want another one or a girl but they wont let them because they think abuse is in the picture.. There have not been any formal charges yet against this couple but they are being watched.. Its so dang sad.. You dont take a child from another country and abuse them and neglet them. You adopted them because you wanted children and wanted to take care of someone.. This disturbs me with every cell in my body.. I hate people who would do such a thing just because they are the adults.. Its just plain wrong..

S.M. Elliott said...

Why thank you, Alan. :)

I know, Tweets, it's such a sad and crazy situation. I hope Russia sticks to its guns and forbids any more foreign adoptions until some safeguards are put in place. There definitely needs to be some kind of screening, where people looking to adopt would at least have to know some Russian and be made aware of any existing emotional/behavioral problems.

Another very disturbing thing about fringe Reactive Attachment Disorder "therapy" methods: Paradoxical punishment. This is where the parents try to teach a child not to do something by making them do it to excess, whether it's eating or exercising or drinking water. One little girl died of water intoxication after being forced to drink a massive amount of water as punishment, and to date at least two little boys have died from sodium poisoning because in an effort to get them to stop overeating (very common with neglected children who didn't get enough to eat before being adopted), they were given huge quantities of salt. One woman is spending life in prison for this, but the other got off the hook. :(

Vest said...

It is called 'the new toy syndrome'Commencing at a high demand expectation, a sort of 7 year itch thing and increasing boredom. The poeple who adopt these children should sign a document implying that it is a permanent arrangement with no escape loopholes, but also they must be well informed of any mental or physical traits that may be evident at the time of the adoption.
Maybe a cooling off period of a month or so, should you find the child inconpatible with the adoptive parents.
Also If the child wishes to back out of the adoption it too should be given tha choice.
Should any child be dumped as suggested the dumpers are not reimbursed for any monies spent on the adoption.

Hi how's your sweet charming mother. x.

Vest said...

It is called 'the new toy syndrome'Commencing at a high demand expectation, a sort of 7 year itch thing and increasing boredom. The poeple who adopt these children should sign a document implying that it is a permanent arrangement with no escape loopholes, but also they must be well informed of any mental or physical traits that may be evident at the time of the adoption.
Maybe a cooling off period of a month or so, should you find the child inconpatible with the adoptive parents.
Also If the child wishes to back out of the adoption it too should be given tha choice.
Should any child be dumped as suggested the dumpers are not reimbursed for any monies spent on the adoption.

Hi how's your sweet charming mother. x.

Vest said...

Hi tweets: I notice you havent been to weight watchers recently.

What really pisses me off is the number of readily available children in ones own country are being ignored, Its a one upmanship thingy over your neighbors, copying 'B' Grade movie stars exploits overseas in their chase for a more exotic child of differing race usually purchased with your movie dollar. "Gah"
These children are more than likely shunted off into the care of wet nurses or nannies.

Vest said...

Hi tweets: I notice you havent been to weight watchers recently.

What really pisses me off is the number of readily available children in ones own country are being ignored, Its a one upmanship thingy over your neighbors, copying 'B' Grade movie stars exploits overseas in their chase for a more exotic child of differing race usually purchased with your movie dollar. "Gah"
These children are more than likely shunted off into the care of wet nurses or nannies.